What hurts me the most
by Dotte2
Summary: Ros and Alba has a secret and complicated relationship. Ros is always bullying Alba in the day, but loving him in the night. I suck at summaries OTL Warning; BL, ooc-ness.
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: contains Shounen ai (boyxboy), ooc-ness, mention of violence and probably bad grammar :I

NOTHING BELONGS TO ME!

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**~Alba's POV~**

I don't know if I hate or love you.

In the daytime, you treat me like shit. You beat me, call me names, belittle me, you even stabbed me once.

But in the dark of the night, when nobody is watching, it's like you turn into someone completely different. You hold me gently yet tight; as if you're afraid I might run away. You get possessive over me, in a way that seems scary, but I somehow find it adorable too.

That's why I love the night, because you're there with me and I don't have to fear for my life. When Rchi says we should stop and rest for the night because she's sleepy, that's when my heart starts to beat uncontrollably. Because I know it means you'll take down the mean act of your – or at least most of it – and show me the kinder side that you made me fall in love with. I never want the nights to end, because when I wake up I know won't be lying in your arms anymore. I know I'll get beaten and made fun of by the person who's so special to me. Does that make me a masochist? Going through all that pain, just to stay with you? I don't really care anymore; I just want to be close to you.

"What are you thinking about?"

Your rare calm voice drags me out of the trance and I shrug lightly, leaning back against your chest as I sit between your legs.

"Stuff… mostly us…" I mutter in response as I feel your arms wrap around me and pulls me closer.

_Can't we just stay like this? Is that really too much to ask for? A little affection in the daylight instead of having to worry, about dying?_

"Us?" you question, raising an eyebrow.

I nod a little. "This whole… day and night thing… I was just wondering which is the real you"

"oh…" _Why do you sound so surprised? _"I guess… they're both 'the real me'…" you murmur as you lean your head against mine.

This is so comfortable, why do I have to wait so long for this and only have it in a few hours.

"But I don't know if I can trust you! You keep punching me and hurting me, but then later you say you love me!" I say slightly louder, still trying to keep my voice down so Rchi won't wake up.

You don't answer, so I turn to look at you, giving a half-hearted glare that leaves as fast as it came. Why? Why do you have to look at me with those depressed eyes? I'm the one who should feel betrayed, this isn't fair!

I sigh in defeat and snuggle closer to your embrace, leaning my head on your shoulder as I close my eyes. A little while after, I feel your warm breath on my forehead, followed by your soft lips.

"I'm sorry, Alba" I hear you whisper before moving us to a lying position.

"Will you at least stay with me till morning?" I ask in a begging voice.

No answer. I know what that means and wrap my arms around your chest to get closer to you. You won't be with me when I wake up, you'll keep mocking me, hurting me both physically and mentally. I feel myself drift away dreamland, but I don't want to fall asleep! I want to stay awake so I can be with you like this! I don't want you to go while I'm asleep.

Your hand start rubbing soothing circles on my back, relaxing me more and more until I finally fall asleep.

And as I expected, I woke up alone. You might only be lying a few feet away, but you're not lying with me. And that is what hurts me the most.

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**Hello everyone =v=**

**how are you all?~**

**It's been a while since I last posted any fics :I**

**But here's something x3**

**Blargh~ I'll try and write more stuff at some point... I just need to get off my lazy ass OTL**

**but yeah~**

**feel free to leave a review for me, so I can improve and stuff :I**


	2. Chapter 2

**~Ros's POV~**

I love you, but I don't treat you like that.

In the daytime I'm a meanie, a bully. I treat you like shit, making fun of every little mistake you make, hurt you when you let your guards down and I do it every time. Yet I somehow enjoy seeing your pained face, I find it attractive and I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel guilty. That's why I keep hurting you. I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself.

Though in the night, when the stars shine, I feel calm. I feel like I can relax and that's when I stop hurting you. That's when I realize it's a miracle you're still here and I get possessive. I glare at the other's sleeping forms and threaten to kill them if they dare to try and steal you away from me. I can't let you go, so I hurt you to make sure you won't dare to leave me, to make sure you'll keep focused on me alone. I don't care if it's love or hate, as long as I'm the only one on your mind. I know I'm a sadist, but that's just how I am. I've accepted it. Only the cool air can calm me down and let those thoughts leave my head.

And that's when your eyes start to shine, brighter than anything I've ever seen. You know just as well as that the night time is our time. Seeing you relax when we decide to rest for the night, your endless fiddling as we wait for Rchi to fall asleep. And once she's far away in dream land, you instantly crawl over to me and start cuddling, like a small puppy longing for his master's attention. Not that I mind, you look adorable while doing so. We usually spend most of the night like that, sitting in each other's arms, not saying anything, just listening to the nature and feeling the other's warm body; just like now. Just the two of us, sitting in the grass, you between my legs and gazing at the night sky.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask in a low tone.

I feel you flinch slightly as you're brought out of your thoughts and then make a small shrug. You lean back against my chest, and I can't stop my heart from beating faster so I wrap my arms around your middle to pull you even closer.

"Stuff… Mostly us…" you mutter back and look down at my arms secured around you, preventing you from running if you tried. I know you won't though.

"Us?" I ask, slightly confused.

You nod and continue.

"This whole… day and night thing… I was just wondering which is the real you"

"oh…" _You absolutely had to ask that one question I didn't want to hear._ "I guess… they're both 'the real me'…" I mutter and lean my head on top of yours, enjoying the closeness between us.

But it's the truth; I'm both this calm person and the bully. It's just a matter of whether I can relax or not and the night is the only thing that can make me relax to the fullest and cool down my temper.

"But I don't know if I can trust you! You keep punching me and hurting me, but then later you say you love me!" You said, raising your voice a little, though still keeping it down so Rchi won't wake up.

I don't answer to that. What was I supposed to say anyway? You turn slightly to send me a glare and I can see the pain in your eyes. I can see how much this hurts you, yet I still don't regret it. Part of me, actually feels quite pleased by this. Oh, how I long to see your sorrowful eyes. I love the taste of your tears as I kiss them away. But the warm smile you send me when you're happy. The confidence, that glows from your body when you're proud of yourself. I love that side of you too. It makes me want to hug you and protect you from the evils of this world, to make sure you'll always be able to smile.

But if I did that, it'd mean I'd have to protect you from me. I'd have to send you away from me – and even worse, I'd have to give you to someone else. I can't do that! I can't let you go. No matter how much you hate me, I'll keep you with me. I'll lock you up and keep you to myself; no one is allowed to take you away from me.

You sigh. Only to let yourself huddle closer to me, your head on my shoulder, eyes closed, so very vulnerable. I smile. A small smile, only for you. Because you how I hurt you – if I wanted to I could probably kill you now – yet you still let your guards down for me and as a sign of gratitude, I place a light peck on your forehead.

"I'm sorry, Alba" I whisper. _I'm sorry that I beat you; I'm sorry that I stab you, break your bones, call you names and accuse you for things we both know are lies. I'm sorry that I break your trust time and time again. But I love you, more than you'd ever think and one day I might be able to tell you just how much I really love you._

I shift a little, moving us so we can lie down and enjoy the last of the night we got left.

"Will you at least stay with me till morning?" Your voice is desperate, yet your eyes stay closed; too scared to look.

I don't answer. Because I won't make you sadder than you are. We both know I can't. Firstly because I can't let people know of our relationship; let them know my weakness. Secondly because I don't trust myself enough to let you live through a night if I'm close enough and given the chance.

Your small arms circle around me, your face buried in my chest. I know that if you weren't so tired and so used to the pain; you'd be crying. The only thing I can do is gently rub your back, hoping that I can calm you down so you can rest. And slowly, but surely, I feel your body relax in my arms as you fall asleep.

I lie there with you for a few hours after you've fallen asleep, simply running my fingers through your soft hair, enjoying your warmth, muttering a soft 'I love you' that I know you won't hear.

My thoughts start drifting to a time I know will come. A time where you realize you're better off without me. And that is what hurts me the most.

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**There~ **

**second chapter x3**

**I think I'll just end the story here and call it a thing :3**

**I think it's a fine ending, I might do other fics with these two at some other point though x3**

**Hope you all like it c: **

**please review, it makes me happeh~~ :I**


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